Y’all, I can’t write.
I was accepted into a PhD program and I am ecstatic.
And I’m nervous.
I’m smart, but am I that kind of smart?!
I am approximately two weeks out before the first class and I am freaking out. OMG! And it is during a pandemic! There are many thoughts running through my mind.
Can I really do this?
Why did they choose me?
My cohort is extremely small. I met a lot of the aspirants at the program’s interview day. I was greatly impressed by others sharing their research interests, thoughts, and passions. Out of 20+ aspirants the program accepted five students.
I am 1 of 5!!!
What am I afraid of?
I’m not sure if I am necessarily afraid, maybe it's more of a nervousness. I am nervous that I won’t be able to keep up with the amount of reading and writing. Oh, and then my writing skills! The English language has many absurd grammar rules. I am from the country and often I write how I speak which is discouraged in formal writing. I am constantly googling different grammar rules (when to use youth versus youths). I don’t want my country bumpkin self to hinder any opportunities.
My background seems to be in contradiction to everything it means to be a doctoral student. I am a Black, working-class and first generation doctoral student from the South. Just through my observations there are not a lot of students that look like me, sound like me, or are maneuvering their programs like me. Meaning I am working on my degree part time because I cannot afford to be full time. I have heard from other part time students that they often feel left out because they are not on campus full time like their counterparts. Which concerns me because I’m trying to be out here in these academic streets for real. And of course the lack of Black women in academia concerns me. My program has ONE Black woman professor which I am excited about but one is not enough. Hmm, a lot of work to be done.
Nonetheless, the comfort in knowing that I will be great (because I will force myself to be great) outweighs my anxieties about the program. Since my acceptance I have been very active in creating a support system. Finding other Black women and first generation doctoral students has been extremely helpful. So much love and advice and I already feel less alone in my nervousness.
I found many of these women on Twitter through various hashtags and accounts:
#FirstGenDoc and @FirstGenDoc
#CiteASista and @CiteASista
#AcademicChat or #AcademicChatter
#phdchat
I highly encourage you to check out and follow the pages above if you have any interest in grad school or starting your PhD journey like me.
We are truly all we got.
